Wednesday, August 20, 2014

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

I have made a new website.

I like the new website.

The website not only has a blog, but many customizable features that enable me to make my website awesome.

Basically, I have had a love-hate relationship with Blogger pretty much ever since I realized there were better options out there. And now that it is more important for me to

1. Advertise my Youtube channel,

2. Show that I can provide services of video production,

3. Basically have a site to tell who I am and have a blog at the same time,

I have decided to break off my relationship with Blogger. I have created a website of my own design using Weebly, and now I am leaving Blogger, probably forever.

So, to the 6 people who are members of this blog,

Audrey, Will, Sam, Athena, Ryan H., and Montie:

Thanks for reading my blog. And to everyone else who has ever read my blog, thank you as well.

I'm out of here. So long, farewell, go and check out my new website.

~Ryan M.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Algebra can be fun!

Are you tired of the same old math questions? Bobby has 2 apples, Jane has 3, how much do they-BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

Well, you are in luck! I just so happen to have thought of some great mathematical equations since last I posted, and will share them now. No longer will the answer be dull and boring.

WORD PROBLEM: A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. The birds are the same type. How much is a bird in hand worth?

 Bird in hand (Bh) = 2 Birds in the bush (Bb)

Bh = 2Bb

Bh is the same type as Bb, therefore

Bh = Bb

Bh = 2Bb
Bh =   Bb

Multiply one equation by -1 to get answer.

 Bh = 2Bb
-Bh =  -Bb
   0  =    Bb

Multiply solution by 2 and you get that 2 birds in the bush equals 0. Therefore the bird in your hand is also the equivalent of 0. That is probably why it insists on pecking at your hand. How irrational.

WORD PROBLEM: Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. 

If we throw anything out, we would be losing it. Therefore, throwing the baby out with the bathwater would look like this.

Me - [Baby (B) + Bathwater (W)] = Bad


Me - (B) - (W) = Bad

This implies some interesting mathematical conclusions. For example:

Me - (B) - (W) = Bad
       +(B)           = +(B)
Me - (W) = Bad +(B)

So if I throw out the bathwater, the result is a bad baby. But what if I throw out the baby?

Me - (B) - (W) = Bad
                +(W) = +(W)
Me - (B) = Bad +(W)

If I throw out the baby, I now have bad bathwater. What if I just threw myself out?

-{Me - (B) - (W) = Bad}

-Me +(B) +(W) = -Bad (or Good)

Throwing myself out, but not the baby or the bathwater apparently results in good.


Thursday, January 3, 2013

New Years

Well, it's New Years everyone! The day when everyone posts on their Facebook and tweets about the good/ bad times of 2012, tells their New Years Resolutions, and resolves to be a better person and all that good stuff. Everyone gathers around the TV to watch an electronic globe go downwards to announce the new year, and at that first minute when 2013 starts, everyone clinks their punch glasses, and yells, "happy new year"! Some people kiss at Times Square because it is considered "romantic" and we return to how are lives were anyway within 2 weeks.

It seems I could go through that last paragraph and find some things wrong with that. I think I will!

First, I would like to talk about New Years resolutions. I actually made some exactly 366 days ago. Here are a few.

1. Try to do the podcast once every two weeks at least.

Well, last July, I actually got my first podcast episode produced and released, and since then, I have released 5 episodes, including the Thanksgiving special. So...that one didn't work out.

2. Learn guitar and recorder, get better at uke and piano.

Guess what? I DID learn guitar. And I DID get better at ukulele and piano. But not recorder. That resolution was completely ignored.

3. Finish writing project.

This was something I was writing as a side project (It is a secret)...and it has had very little progress since the beginning of the year.

4. Get a paying job.

This kind of worked out. I worked as a babysitter at small group towards the end of the year, and still do. And I teach a 9 year old guitar. Both are paying jobs, but when I wrote down the resolution, I had a job in a store in mind.

So as we see, I completed some resolutions, half-finished others, and completely forgot about others. I didn't put all my resolutions down, because it would be too embarrassing to show how many I didn't follow through with.

So why does this matter? Well first, I want to point out that I probably looked at my NYR (New Years Resolutions) list no more than 5 times in 2012, and you saw that I didn't really follow the list. And also, that it took until a while after I made the list to actually complete those tasks that I had. I didn't complete any of them thinking, "Oh, I have to do one of my NYRs!", but because it was something I wanted to do at the time. So when someone says, "These are my New Years resolutions", they are often saying what they want to be like, and then returning to life 2 weeks later. Any NYRs that I completed were mere coincidences. I ended up with a job teaching guitar because someone from my church talked about it, and I volunteered. So let's stop making NYRs. They don't work. Whenever NYRs are made, it is wishful thinking. If you REALLY want to finish your NYRs, you had better work really hard, or you are going to end up doing what everyone else does. Go back to the way they were by February.

Okay, now that I have finished making fun of NYRs, let's move onto the next thing about New Years that needs to go. The kissing.

Now, you all know my views on this, unless you don't. In that case, let me just tell you. I don't think anyone should be kissing unless they are related. Either by birth or by marriage, it doesn't matter, but unless you are married, you should not be kissing that girl. The Little Mermaid got it all wrong. Now I know you are all thinking, "Oh, come on Ryan, lighten up. They are being cute!" Oh really? Think of it this way. You are born with 100 dollars, and every time you kiss someone, you are giving them a few of your dollars. Then when you get married, you give that person what you have left. Wouldn't you want to still be able to give the hundred dollars, instead of coming up short, and giving them 13 dollars, because you spent the rest on past relationships or experiences in Times Square for the sake of being "cute"? I don't know, but the whole point is this. I simply don't find it cute when 10,000 people in times square are kissing each other. It gets really weird. One year when I was watching the New Years broadcast from Times Square, the host says, "Wow! It is 2010, and some complete stranger just kissed me!". Then this year, it was, "Wow! It is 2012, and there are so many people making out!" I am almost certain just hearing about this is making people want to throw up. So yeah, it isn't cute. How about we stop it.

And now, moving onto, talking about it on the internet.

I always think it is hilarious when people are posting on Facebook, "It is 2013!" like I didn't know that. It's almost like they sit down at their computer and think, "You know what? I bet there are some people out there who don't realize it is the start of a new year. I should probably let them know." Guess what? The media, newspapers, websites, podcasts, youtube videos, etc. are ALL telling me it's New Years. I mean, I know I am homeschooled, but do you really think I am dumb enough to not know when the start of a year is? It isn't like I get on Facebook and think, "Oh wow, I COMPLETELY forgot it was New Years. I am so glad they all reminded me. If nobody had posted, I would have completely forgot. Thank you so much!"

And not only that, but people are making fun of 2012 on the internet. Saying, "I can explain 2012 in 7 words. YOLO, Kony, Call Me Maybe, Gangnam Style." Whenever I see something like THAT, I think, "Dude, a guy skydived from outer space, Obama got reelected (unfortunately), and I started a podcast!" So much has happened in 2012. Anyone who describes 2012 as 7 popular words is kidding themselves. What they MEAN is, "I only pay attention to cool bands and pop culture, and this is what I got out of it in 2012." If those 7 words I mentioned earlier were all you got out of 2012, you need to get a life. The only reason I even know what those 7 words above mean, is because friends came up to me and said, "Dude! YOLO!" And I was like, "I like Yoyos.". So, my friends think I don't have a life because I don't pick up on stupid      2-month long trends.

The real thing people should be posting on Facebook, is something like this. This is what I will post on Facebook:

Wow. It has been an entire year since so many people joined in Times Square. Since then, I have learned a lot, experienced a lot, and done a lot. In one year, so much has changed, and I have loved every minute of it. I joined debate club, and I have only been at it for 4 months, and it is one of my favorite things to do! I learned guitar, and I found out and practiced my passion to be a writer. I practiced my writing skills by writing for a bunch of people involved with FOTF and Adventures in Odyssey, like Brock Eastman and Bren McFarland. I also started an AIO podcast, and as a result, I got to chat with and even MEET awesome people like Nathan Hoobler (Director for AIO), Dave Arnold (Executive producer for AIO), Bren McFarland (AIO podcaster, and founder of the Campbell County forum), and Austin Peachey (AIO podcaster).

I started teaching guitar and helping out in the church nursery more, and as a result, I get to hang out and play with really awesome 3-5 year-olds once or twice a week. I learned bass guitar, and started playing it in my Awana Youth group worship band. As a result of helping with both the nursery and the worship band, I get to experience the joy of helping others, and have fun while I do it.

As a Sophomore in High School, I have gotten to meet new Freshman in my small group, and get to know them and make them welcome as the Sophomores did to me when I was a Freshman. I got to meet and get to know really awesome Freshman like Cole, Matthew, Joshua, and many others.

I became one of the board leaders on Bren McFarland's online AIO forum, and got to be involved in planning his forum, and helping with admin duties. There is SO much more that has happened this year, that I can't even describe! This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Wow! I had such a productive year. It seems that I don't need New Years resolutions to be productive, and I don't need to  That was SO much more than 7 words. Take that, Internet.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

December 21st, the Internet, and the Mayans, and why they shouldn't have anything to do with each other.

So, it is December 22 and we are all still here....AWKWARD!

I mean, it really was a long shot in the first place. The probability that the Mayans could predict the earth ending centuries before it actually would happen, on top of the fact that the Bible says nobody knows when the end will take place, the probability is VERY slim. Nobody anywhere knows, and definitely not the Mayans! I mean, our weatherman can only predict the weather accurately about 50% of the time! So how could Mayan’s predict the end of the world so long before the actual date?

Not to mention the fact that the Mayan calendar says NOTHING about the end of the world. It doesn't have a post-it on it saying, “End of the world calendar” or anything. I mean, if I was told to make a calendar that lasts for a REALLY long time, I would not have enough room to put infinite years. I would have to stop at some point. And I might be offended if people in future generations said, “Wow! That kid just didn't have the room on this tablet to put all years of the future, OBVIOUSLY, THE WORLD ENDS WHEN THE CALENDAR ENDS! But maybe not. Maybe I would be flattered if people said that! I mean, that is comparable to being called all knowledgeable! If I know when the world ends, then I must know everything! Maybe all I need to do to freak people out in the future is make a wooden tablet that says “The world ends on April 18th, 2207”, and then bury it somewhere. That’ll work. The Mayans did it.

This is just common sense. Just because my calendar ends December 31st, doesn't mean the world does too. It is crazy! In fact, I have heard about all the crazy things people are doing because it is the “end of the world”. Apparently every time someone puts forth the idea that the world is ending on a specific date, that gives people the freedom to go crazy. “Really, the world ends tomorrow? Well, I had better go light myself on fire and intoxicate myself, just so I know what it is like before I die.”

Okay okay, all joking and making fun aside, has anyone ever stopped to ask the question, “What if the world ACTUALLY ends today?” I mean, when someone says the world ends on December 21st, and everyone jokes and/or freaks out about it, does anyone wonder what would happen if the world really DID end today? What if you were sinning, without regret, and at THAT moment, God decided to start the Rapture? Now I don’t claim to know the exact details of the Rapture, but I believe that when you know you are sinning, and you do it in defiance of God, you are abusing his free gift of life. I don’t know if that is enough to keep you out of Heaven, but if it is, and the world “ended”, you would feel pretty bad wouldn’t you? I was thinking about this today, in light of everyone saying the world ends. I thought, “If the world ends, have I lived my life to please God, or have I not been as focused on God as I should be?” The Bible says that when the Rapture happens, it will happen in an instant. Nobody knows when, but when it does, God will be like a “thief in the night”, meaning you don’t expect it. You don’t usually notice or expect a thief in your house every night, just like you don’t expect the rapture every day.

Now, it would be crazy to become a security freak and prepare with a bazooka and grenade every day, just in case a thief breaks in, just like you probably shouldn't sit completely still all day, only sleeping and eating so you don’t run any risk of sinning. All I am saying is that if you know you are sinning, or not living like God wants you to, you would feel pretty bad if all of the sudden you were in front of him, with him judging you. Of course, it isn’t like in one instant, he will all of the sudden know everything you did wrong in your life. He sees you all of the time. Ever think of that aspect?

“Oh, I will just take this one extra cookie. Nobody will know.”

BEEEP! Wrong! God sees you. The only difference between the final judgement and him seeing you at this very moment is that you won’t be able to ignore him in the former situation. He still knows what you are doing. So even if everyone says it is the end of the world, that is no excuse to go out and sin just because it is your last chance to ever get drunk, or last chance to eat a whole cookie jar of cookies, or anything else. If it is the real end of the world (as opposed to the Mayan version), then don’t go crazy.

But this is all taking it a bit far. I mean, it is just the last day on the Mayan calendar and nothing even happened. When you come right down to it, it is a problem of how people react whenever ANYONE says that the world will end. Sometimes people predict it themselves (without Mayan calendars), saying that they looked at the Bible, and figured out that if you look in (such and such passage) it says (such and such). And when you apply it to (such and such), that conveniently corresponds with a day 3 weeks from now! “We are all going to Heaven now dudes! Get Christ!” This has happened, and then gone viral a few times in my life, and since I am still here, it is getting, as I said in the first sentence of this post, awkward!

Every few years, someone says the world will end. People post about it on Facebook, and people make meme pictures that joke about it, and different people post their views on why or why not the world will end. Then, on the day of the “ending”, people go crazy, try to do all the stuff they wanted to do in life, and then the next day, realize that it was just another day, and go on with their lives. It is said that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result”. It seems that people are predicting the end of the world over and over, expecting it to “really end this time!”

And I sometimes wonder if maybe it is really just a huge humanity test run by pranksters. “Hey, I wonder how many people will post on Facebook and do stupid stuff if we release some bogus claim that the world ends in a month?” If I were running that, and I had the technology to see all the stuff people are doing on the “big day”, I would probably have enough to laugh about until I die (which incidentally, would not be in a month).

So I guess, all I am trying to say here is that people shouldn't get all worked up over a day, just because someone said it will end. Almost like someone saying it makes it more legit. For example, in 5 months, you probably won’t be thinking, “The world might end today.” But if someone releases a news article saying that some PHD says the world will end on May 22nd, you can bet it will be all over the media. People won’t give reasons for why it is wrong on the news, because they really don’t know if it IS wrong. So we really have two options next time this happens.

1. We can just go with it, go crazy, flood Facebook with apocalyptic statuses, and then move on with our lives again.

2. Realize that every day is a possible end of the world, and try to make every day count towards Christ, and life.

So next time someone thinks the world will end on December 21st, or whatever date they choose, kindly suggest that they read this article, and then move on with life until the world really does end.

Until next time! ~Ryan M.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


    You sit down at the computer, you type in the Facebook URL. You go to your "about me" page, you search that one person's Facebook profile. And you send...A RELATIONSHIP REQUEST!!!

   That's right, you probably already guessed it by looking at the title, but this blog post is about relationships! Mainly the ones that take place before you are even old enough to take further action with them.

    And that leads me to my first question. Why do kids and teens even bother? I mean seriously, they won't be able to get married for another 10 years at least. So why have "relationships"? Why am I seeing all these posts on Facebook about, "so and so are now in a relationship". What in the world does that even mean? Well, apparently in this day and age, being in a relationship is a way of being intimate friends with someone of the opposite gender, and giving an excuse to act like a married couple. At least, that is the way it seems to me. I have seen people who are "in relationships" and frankly, it's gross. Seriously people, when I see an 8 year old (yes, 8 year old) boy and girl sitting together, and by together, I mean they must have been glued together, I don't think, "awww, that's so sweet!". I don't think it's cute when those two teens ALWAYS stand next to each other. No, I am usually crying on the inside because all hope for humanity is lost.

    "Wait, what did Ryan just say? All hope for humanity is lost? Wow Ryan, way to exaggerate." No, really, I mean that literally. All hope for humanity is lost, and here's why.

    You sit down at the computer, you type in the Facebook URL. You go to your "about me" page, you search that one person's Facebook profile. And you press... THE SINGLE BUTTON!!!

    Why does this happen not long after the first stage of a relationship does? Well, let me explain it this way. Listen carefully. Relationships are a way for teens to be "dating" even though their parents say not to date, so they work around it. And relationships are not a commitment in any way, shape, or form, so that gives you an easy way out when you get bored. Yes, most "relationships" end with the person you dumped being "just somebody that I used to know". So the reason all hope for humanity is lost, is because these 3 week long "relationships" are teaching the youth of today...what exactly? Is it teaching them how to "love and cherish someone until death do they part"? To "honor and keep them in sickness and in health"? NO! It is teaching them to "like one person for a few weeks" and, "honor them as long as there is something in it for you". No wonder there are so many divorces in today's society! All the 25 year old's that had tons of "relationships" when they were 16 are only using what they learned as kids. So the moment that they get a little bored with marriage, they are out. IT IS NO LONGER A COMMITMENT TO THEM! And that is what marriage is actually supposed to be. A commitment.

Now, there might be people who completely agree with me on this matter, but are teenagers and have a crush on that "special someone." They are probably thinking, "Yeah Ryan, I back you 100%, but is there ever an instance when I can be in a relationship as a teen? Because everyone else is and I feel alone and out of place."

Well, that brings me to this, how "relationships" are suddenly a part of our culture.

Basically, go to any school, any place where there are kids from about age 10 to 17, and you will find a lot of them "in relationships". I wonder what people who live in countries where you don't date until you are old enough, I wonder what those people would think if they came to the USA. Probably something like, "Wow, that couple is so cute! I mean, for two 20 year olds to be that small and both love each other, that's- wait. Those aren't 20 year olds! Those are kids!!!!! What crazy country is this?!?"

What I am trying to say here is that for some reason, it is weird to me alone when people talk about their relationships. But it is weird to absolutely EVERYONE ELSE (except a few of my homeschooler friends) when I say I have never been in one. I went to camp for the very first time about a year ago, and let me tell you, it was a bit uncomfortable. One boy found out I was homeschooled, and was giving me the old "interrogation".

"Do you like it? Do you do it in your PJs? Do you get to sleep in? Do you have hardly any schoolwork?"

Eventually, he asked if I had a girlfriend. I replied no, and he asked if I used to. I still said no. He asked if I ever kissed a girl. No. Here is what this unnamed boy said, "What? I have had 3 relationships, and kissed like 3 girls before!" I went on to say that I wouldn't kiss a girl until the pastor says, "You may now kiss the bride". He told me I would never get married, because no girl will ever like me.

Wow. I mean, I guess that is the end of the world. No really, if I never kiss a girl, then I won't get married. I guess I should just forsake all Biblical principles and go around kissing girls because apparently, THAT IS THE WAY THIS WORLD WORKS! Apparently I am guaranteed a girlfriend for life if I kiss her. Oh, wait. Let's take a step back. Didn't that guy say he has had like three girlfriends? Doesn't that mean the first 2 dumped him, or vice versa? Maybe this whole looking for a significant other thing has more to do with who you will be spending your life with and less to do with whether you kiss whoever your next "in a relationship" person is.

I guess to say it all in a short paragraph, relationships and dating are meant for getting to know the person who you are already 90% sure you want to marry anyway. And relationships do not give you permission to the other person's body. Boys, leave that girl alone, and keep your hands, lips, and anything else to yourself until you are married. Girls, wear clothes that keep you warm, not hot. It will make boys respect you for your personality alone. And remember, if you want to have someone who will love you for life, don't get used to relationships where you love someone for 3 weeks.

And to the people who back me 100%, but still have secret crushes that are killing them and they want to be in a relationship just so they can spill the beans and be happy, remember that even if you do tell this special someone that you like them, you still won't be able to marry for another 5 to 10 years! If you think waiting to tell the person you love them is hard, so will waiting to marry them.

And think, when you were 5, those McDonald's Happy Meal toys were the most important thing in the world to you. By now, you could probably care less about whether your meal came with a piece of cheap plastic. Same with girlfriends and boyfriends. You may think now that they are the best thing that ever happened to you, and that you will never love anyone else like you do this person, but that is true until the next awesome person comes along and steals your heart.

Now, I am not saying that the person you like right now is not the one you will marry, I am saying that relationships at this age are not the best way to ensure that the person you like will one day be your spouse. At the time when all your hormones are raging inside you, and trying to convert you and your brain into a mature human being, that is when things are the least clear and you are in no condition to make a decision about who you think you will live with for the rest of your life.

Until Next time! ~Ryan M.

Four more years...

Four more years...and then we will have a chance to really fix the country!

Okay everyone, today I will be speaking on the election, and how Obama shouldn't be president, and why Romney should have won, and why the voting was obviously rigged. HA! Just kidding. You don't want to hear that! I mean, that's what everyone else is talking about right now. You probably came to my blog looking for something BESIDES the current election topic! But who can blame you?

There is a video, which can be found at this link. In the video, a young girl is crying because she is tired of the election. To be honest, I am a bit tired of it too. But I believe I am justified in this annoyance. Why? Well here, I will give the three main reasons that I am agitated.

Politics...Social Media, and the Plain Media. Let me explain.

First, I will talk about Social Media, since pretty much everyone (including my brother, who now has a Facebook account, help me!) uses social media. Basically, this confuses me so much because EVERYONE says who they want to win the election, but almost NOBODY gives any reason. They are like, "Vote for Obama, unless you aren't, in that case, stay home. I don't have a reason you SHOULD vote for Obama, but just do what I say because I am always right!" And I am serious. I got up a couple of weeks ago, and my Facebook feed had 20 people just saying, "VOTE!", not giving me any real reason. Is there a good reason that anyone has to post on Facebook about something that is already pretty well known. I really doubt anyone is getting on the computer and saying, "Let's see....OH! The Facebook says it is time to vote. I am glad it said that, otherwise I would have COMPLETELY forgotten!". I go to Facebook to see what everyone is doing, anything interesting that has happened recently, and maybe a funny picture. But really, it doesn't interest me, or really anyone else to read 50 posts saying, "Vote, it's election day.".

Second, Plain media. We have all seen those pictures. The ones praising one candidate, while shooting down the other. One picture that comes to mind, talks about "Romney hating big bird". A bunch of people make this a big issue. "Oh no! Our future children might grow up without knowing the importance of cheesy television shows because Romney is going to KILL Big Bird!". Guess what? Romney said he was going to cut government spending, and gave PBS as an example. Big Bird will still live if Romney were to cut funding to PBS. Of course, Obama was elected, so Big Bird will obviously just become unemployed.

And last, politics. Basically, I can't keep up with it all. Romney says he has a plan to save the country, then Obama says he has already been trying for the last 4 years. Romney says it isn't working, so he is going to do [ blank ], Obama says his plan will eventually work, so Romney doesn't need to do [ blank ]. Some people are thinking, "Wow, Romney is so nice, and he is the best choice for this country!" And I am thinking, "Isn't that what everyone says about their candidate at EVERY election?!?" It is said that the definition of insanity is, "Doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting a different result.". Now I am not saying that you shouldn't vote, because it won't make a difference. I am saying that you shouldn't believe that one man can fix a country by himself. As Jordan Taylor from Messy Mondays once said, "Your candidate is not Jesus. Everyone assumes that their guy is the only hope to fix the country. Like we'll have some great moral leader that'll fix the country and make everything good again...How can one person possibly fix that many people? You want the country to be good again? Fix it yourself! Don't rely on somebody in Washington to do it for you." Now, the leader of a country might make some fixes, and he might be the wisest guy to Solomon. But EVERY 4 YEARS, people vote for a president. Let's use Obama as an example. A bunch of people thought Obama was "so awesome", and they voted accordingly. Then 4 years later, they had seen his faults, so they want a change. Except for people who were misinformed (a lot) and voted for Obama anyway. (Just my view on this). I predict this happening pretty much all the time for the rest of my life. Because frankly, I don't see one guy ending world hunger, I don't see one guy getting good jobs for everyone, I don't see one man creating Utopia. Only One is capable of that, and that is why I am voting for Jesus. He is the only one that will bring about a lasting change, so if you want lasting change, and by that, I mean change that won't last 4 years and then become some other guy's idea of change, if you want a change that last eternally, then make Jesus the one who governs your life. Then, do what everyone is doing on Facebook. They post about their political candidate. You go out and tell friends and neighbors about your candidate for life.

Until next time! ~Ryan M.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Welcome to Facebook!

    You have just turned thirteen (just like my little brother) and one thing that the age of 13 entitles you to is...FACEBOOK! That's right. Once you are 13, you are allowed to get a Facebook account. So, here is the welcome message that should pop up the moment you register.

    Welcome to Facebook! The wonderful place where the very thing you are thinking at the exact moment you think it, can be shown to all your friends! Oh wait, that's Twitter.

    Here are some basic guidelines you should follow to help ensure that you get the least, I mean, most out of Facebook.

    First! Whenever you see any picture with a message such as, "Like if you love God, ignore for Satan", you should IMMEDIATELY take the action that corresponds to your situation. If you do not like for Jesus, then you are obviously never going to heaven. Because we all know that the #1 thing that gets you into heaven is giving into peer pressure. Besides, what will it hurt to press the like button? It's not like it will show up on your personal Facebook wall or anything. Oh, wait...And it isn't like it will promote whatever Facebook page posted it in the first place. So rule #1, always like a picture that tells you to.

     Second, whenever you are feeling ANY emotion, post about it on Facebook. All your friends and family deserve to know how you feel. Even if you are just bored, post something that will make people relate to your feelings. "I just don't care anymore." is a great example of how to show everyone exactly how you feel. To the people who think that doing so may annoy others, remember that life is all about you. If anyone tries to point out or ask why in the world you keep posting these "vague updates" on how life is terrible when you have food, shelter, and 300 Facebook friends, just reply by deleting their comment as soon as possible, and unfriending them. Because the only people worth being friends with are other people willing to post statuses for no reason on Facebook just like you. Right?

    Third, make sure that whenever ANY current topic is being talked about on Facebook, you MUST get you word in. Because everyone is SURE to listen to you. Out of the millions of people on Facebook, you are king. Your opinion, out of all of the different view points out there, will change society as we know it. If you thought that the Kony, 2012 video was a fake, guess what? If you post about it on Facebook, that will make everybody in the entire world think the exact same thing! I mean, it's not like for the same reason you don't believe something is true, someone else might not agree with you. That's just silly...

    Fourth. If you ever interact with someone of the opposite gender more than once, UPDATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS IMMEDIATELY!!! Everyone else deserves to know that the 3rd person you "fell in love with" this week is your new "in a relationship" buddy. Don't worry that your future wife might take a look at your Facebook wall and think, "Wow, this guy had 25 different relationships, and that was just one year!". Oh, and make sure to not only update your relationship status, but post about your relationship all the time. Here is a great example of how your post should progress as you are "in a relationship".

1. "Just met prince charming. I'll never leave you honey! XOXOXOXOXOXO!" [Relationship status, "in a relationship"]

2. "Going on my very first date with my knight in shining armor. He is the best ever!"

3. " On my first date with Joey! He is so awesome! He is talking about Dungeons and Dragons now. That's why I am Facebooking underneath the table! LOL."

4. "You know that knight in shining armor I was talking about? Seems he was texting his friends under the table while I was talking about dresses! Looks like his "shining armor" is rusty."

5. "Just got back from my date." [Relationship status: It's complicated]

6. "Joey thinks talking about dresses, makeup, or anything else relating to girly stereotypes are stupid. Guys and guy stuff are so stupid." [Relationship status: single]

7. When will my significant other find me?!? I am so sad"

8. "Me, I don't even need a boyfriend. Jesus is my boyfriend! I will never leave him!"

9. "Just found prince charming. His name is Jack! I love you Jack! XOXOXOXOXOX!" (repeat)

     And we all know that your friends should be there to know the ins and outs of how your relationships progress. As said before, it doesn't matter if it annoys them. Life is all about you.

    And while we are on the topic of relationships, let's talk about one thing nobody knows you are doing, but Facebook is great for it. STALKING. Have that one person that you want to know more about, but you couldn't POSSIBLY ask them in person? Never fear. With Facebook, you have direct access to your crush's life! Want to view all past relationships and hunt them down one by one? Don't worry, there is a relationship status for that. Want to find out your crush's favorite foods, books, movies, music, and more? Don't worry, there's an "about me" section for that. 

    And sixth, if you have a Facebook, the one thing you should always make sure of is that your profile picture is perfect. No one likes it when your Facebook picture is a year old. For best results, change your profile picture once a week. That way, whenever your secret admirer wants to, they can waltz right over to your pictures, and see hundreds of your photos.

    And finally, don't think about any inherent problems that doing any of the above might hold. Don't even think for a moment that your future boss might take a look at your Facebook page and see how fickle you were as a teenager, and still are. Don't believe that, as mentioned before, your future wife or husband might look at your Facebook page and realize that you dumped all people you were "in a relationship with" within 3 days, and that you will never marry because all that see your Facebook page will realize how long it will last, 3 days. And your children. Don't think of them one day looking at your Facebook, and realizing that you were a stupid kid, even though you contend that you were. 

    But anyway, thank you for getting a Facebook! Have fun! ~The people testing to see how long it will take to make the human race stupid.

Ryan M.