Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Welcome to Facebook!

    You have just turned thirteen (just like my little brother) and one thing that the age of 13 entitles you to is...FACEBOOK! That's right. Once you are 13, you are allowed to get a Facebook account. So, here is the welcome message that should pop up the moment you register.

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    Welcome to Facebook! The wonderful place where the very thing you are thinking at the exact moment you think it, can be shown to all your friends! Oh wait, that's Twitter.

    Here are some basic guidelines you should follow to help ensure that you get the least, I mean, most out of Facebook.

    First! Whenever you see any picture with a message such as, "Like if you love God, ignore for Satan", you should IMMEDIATELY take the action that corresponds to your situation. If you do not like for Jesus, then you are obviously never going to heaven. Because we all know that the #1 thing that gets you into heaven is giving into peer pressure. Besides, what will it hurt to press the like button? It's not like it will show up on your personal Facebook wall or anything. Oh, wait...And it isn't like it will promote whatever Facebook page posted it in the first place. So rule #1, always like a picture that tells you to.

     Second, whenever you are feeling ANY emotion, post about it on Facebook. All your friends and family deserve to know how you feel. Even if you are just bored, post something that will make people relate to your feelings. "I just don't care anymore." is a great example of how to show everyone exactly how you feel. To the people who think that doing so may annoy others, remember that life is all about you. If anyone tries to point out or ask why in the world you keep posting these "vague updates" on how life is terrible when you have food, shelter, and 300 Facebook friends, just reply by deleting their comment as soon as possible, and unfriending them. Because the only people worth being friends with are other people willing to post statuses for no reason on Facebook just like you. Right?

    Third, make sure that whenever ANY current topic is being talked about on Facebook, you MUST get you word in. Because everyone is SURE to listen to you. Out of the millions of people on Facebook, you are king. Your opinion, out of all of the different view points out there, will change society as we know it. If you thought that the Kony, 2012 video was a fake, guess what? If you post about it on Facebook, that will make everybody in the entire world think the exact same thing! I mean, it's not like for the same reason you don't believe something is true, someone else might not agree with you. That's just silly...

    Fourth. If you ever interact with someone of the opposite gender more than once, UPDATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS IMMEDIATELY!!! Everyone else deserves to know that the 3rd person you "fell in love with" this week is your new "in a relationship" buddy. Don't worry that your future wife might take a look at your Facebook wall and think, "Wow, this guy had 25 different relationships, and that was just one year!". Oh, and make sure to not only update your relationship status, but post about your relationship all the time. Here is a great example of how your post should progress as you are "in a relationship".

1. "Just met prince charming. I'll never leave you honey! XOXOXOXOXOXO!" [Relationship status, "in a relationship"]

2. "Going on my very first date with my knight in shining armor. He is the best ever!"

3. " On my first date with Joey! He is so awesome! He is talking about Dungeons and Dragons now. That's why I am Facebooking underneath the table! LOL."

4. "You know that knight in shining armor I was talking about? Seems he was texting his friends under the table while I was talking about dresses! Looks like his "shining armor" is rusty."

5. "Just got back from my date." [Relationship status: It's complicated]

6. "Joey thinks talking about dresses, makeup, or anything else relating to girly stereotypes are stupid. Guys and guy stuff are so stupid." [Relationship status: single]

7. When will my significant other find me?!? I am so sad"

8. "Me, I don't even need a boyfriend. Jesus is my boyfriend! I will never leave him!"

9. "Just found prince charming. His name is Jack! I love you Jack! XOXOXOXOXOX!" (repeat)

     And we all know that your friends should be there to know the ins and outs of how your relationships progress. As said before, it doesn't matter if it annoys them. Life is all about you.

    And while we are on the topic of relationships, let's talk about one thing nobody knows you are doing, but Facebook is great for it. STALKING. Have that one person that you want to know more about, but you couldn't POSSIBLY ask them in person? Never fear. With Facebook, you have direct access to your crush's life! Want to view all past relationships and hunt them down one by one? Don't worry, there is a relationship status for that. Want to find out your crush's favorite foods, books, movies, music, and more? Don't worry, there's an "about me" section for that. 

    And sixth, if you have a Facebook, the one thing you should always make sure of is that your profile picture is perfect. No one likes it when your Facebook picture is a year old. For best results, change your profile picture once a week. That way, whenever your secret admirer wants to, they can waltz right over to your pictures, and see hundreds of your photos.

    And finally, don't think about any inherent problems that doing any of the above might hold. Don't even think for a moment that your future boss might take a look at your Facebook page and see how fickle you were as a teenager, and still are. Don't believe that, as mentioned before, your future wife or husband might look at your Facebook page and realize that you dumped all people you were "in a relationship with" within 3 days, and that you will never marry because all that see your Facebook page will realize how long it will last, 3 days. And your children. Don't think of them one day looking at your Facebook, and realizing that you were a stupid kid, even though you contend that you were. 

    But anyway, thank you for getting a Facebook! Have fun! ~The people testing to see how long it will take to make the human race stupid.

Ryan M.




3 comments:

  1. This is exactly why I'm not on Facebook. :)

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    Replies
    1. Haha Ryan, you can actually use Facebook and use it well if you are just responsible. Eventually Google+ will be the same way. :)

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  2. I am on Facebook, and I totally get it! I loved the little relationship thing... :)

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